doodles and noodles.

To ridicule myself..

Normally, I don't share my thoughts collectively.

Few nights ago, I just can't help myself from crying too much.

Too much until my eyes hurt and my breath short.

Too much that I fell asleep and woke up with terrible bloody looking eyes.

I wrote down somethings in my head.

Some things. Since I can't write everything in it.

Its too damn crappy but it helped me a lot.

It helped me understand myself and in the long run, it helped me overthrow my emotions.

Here's what I wrote and I don't expect anyone to read this..

Just writing down for future purposes. Might as well learn from this..

09.20.2012
I may be one of the most difficult person in the world.

When I was younger, I had to fight against all the odds of being a brat. As the youngest in the brood, I get most of the things I want, until I grew up. Some things can never be mine, yes; I have accepted that too later…
When I was young, I was beaten by my dad for not getting the grades they expected of me. Every time I fail his expectations, I get to be punished. I get why, so growing up that way meant beating all the odds of life to meet the expectations of other people.

When I was younger, I was bullied by my brothers and sister and most of my childhood friends. I can never beat them at any sport. I was always the underdog, the slowest person to run in the game and always the last person to finish.
Growing up meant getting ahead of the others, competitions are always stiff but I do manage most of the time. I was never perfect but I aim to be. I don’t mind getting pain but recognition was very important to me. I wanted my parents to see me, to see what I can do, to excel in my field. I accept all sorts of challenges not because I can but because I wanted to beat the odds that I AM WORTHY.

When I was younger, I had to work harder than most of my classmates. They look up to me as if I can do whatever it takes and however it takes. I guarantee satisfaction in all my work. I was all work and less play because I thought life was about that.

I joined competitions because I wanted to show my family that I deserve to be where I was. I deserve to be a member of the family. I wanted to excel, to flourish myself in all my work and be satisfied with it at the end of the day.
But I just had to satisfy all the needs of the people, it’s as if all the bones in my body told me to do so. However, my HS teacher told me once “you can never please everybody”, that’s when I stopped.

Coping up with college was one of the most challenging and interesting things in my life. Meeting new people with common interest makes it easier for me. It never guaranteed utmost happiness but satisfaction was close by.
I am not the most interesting person in the world. I have so many flaws in my life than I had success. I had made many wrong decisions that morally right. I thought I could always solve the problems myself, which I always try to, but with all honesty, it wouldn't.

My judgements are not based on my happiness but the happiness of the many… or so I thought I did. If I had to sacrifice myself, my time, my money, my effort, my all to make people happy, I would. But why would I do that? Is it because there is a need for me to or I just had it in me.

While writing this piece of crap, I realize two things: (1) I simply cannot trust myself and my own judgement and (2) I’m simply wrong but it felt so right to me.
My past constantly reminds me of how stupid I can be. Love was never for me. It never was and never will. I always feel so out of place. Today, tomorrow and in the future.

I just had a chat (sms) with my friend. It was an eye opener. I know I do have that but my central tendencies to be “all knowing and full of shit” will take me down on a scale of 2 (1 as the highest bullshit ever). I can’t say I’m 1, but I’m getting there.

I always tell myself- tomorrow is another day to look forward to. I lost hope in tomorrow. I lost all my pride, my sense of self discipline, my love and interest in what I do, or simply I lost my self-esteem and my will to exist. I may have written this now because that’s how I feel. I’m overwhelmed with my own shadows.

I love people. I want to see them happy. I let them use me for their own interest because I want to see them happy but I was told that shouldn’t be. I keep a lot of myself. I am troubled.
I am so deeply troubled and bothered. I hate world I live in. I can never meet expectations of people. If I do more people will feel I belittle them. If I do less people will look down on me and deprive me of everything. If I do what they want me to do, I feel that I need to do more. More than what is expected of me. I need to. I want to satisfy the hunger for responsibility but not fame. No no.

I am not all colors and hues. I sometimes have a heart of stone. If my brother does that, people will still love him, but if I do, people stay away from me.
I’m not all that good of a person. I am strong; I have that will to be so. I don’t want to overwhelm people with my presence or belittle them or make them believe that I’m all about me, but I just want to be strong and faithful in my work.
I am distressed and boring and dull and lifeless. I am what color : black. The presence of everything but the absence of fun… I admit to being independent and hardworking. I admit to have failed a million and one times, I admit to have been on a pedestal and I admit to be so enormously passive at times and unable most of the time.

I admit I am hard to love. I have nothing to give. I have nothing to offer but I want to, no matter how difficult it is, even if hell breaks loose, I am nobody.
I am not that a superhero, I don’t want to be all that they ever see. I just want to exist, even in the corner of the room. Even if I have done so much, even if I have reached expectations, I cease to exist. Maybe I don’t deserve to exist at all. Thoughts flood out of my mind.

I am neither pretty nor alluring to bring people to come to me. I have something to offer to anybody. I do not deserve anything, not today, not tomorrow. Not ever.
I just want to be loved. I give love but I don’t ever get it back. I want to feel loved because I deserve it because I can be someone who can be loved. I want friends, those people I can trust to or who’d love me and be strong enough to tell me things that matter.

I just wanted to be loved because I can give love, unconditionally. And I just want people to understand my story, not this lengthy piece of crap but what my heart was about.
I am not everything. I am nothing. I am still in constant search of that love. i am truly sorry for those people who felt wrong and whom I have offended to. I am sorry. L

“…what is essential is invisible to the naked eye.” –Little Prince.
“Carpe Diem” , seize the day.

I may be wrong in many ways but I want to make things right.